morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
