I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
