Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
