checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You took a bar mat shot.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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