you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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