I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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