hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
