saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
