he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
