He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
