T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
