Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
