My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
