after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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