Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
