just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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