this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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