People with herpes should wear stickers.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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