Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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