and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
