nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
