just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We were destined to go to rehab together
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
