Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
