my vag is so smooth its legendary
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
