sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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