Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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