Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
