I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
