you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
