This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize