Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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