I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
