She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
