I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize