So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
