I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
