I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Sorry about my life...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
