She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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