So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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