I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he puts the penis in happiness.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
