I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The air was thick with penises
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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