Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
