I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
