This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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