She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Still dying that you shit outside
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
