This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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