Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
