I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
