Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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