I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
