I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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