so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
