You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
