Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize