She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Randomize
