the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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