I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
