Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
