If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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