Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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