Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
