pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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