Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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