Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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