Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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