when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize