i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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