when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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