i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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