I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
