Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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